Day 0

Would you want to know when everything around you will end?

After doing everything I could do to move on, I feel like I accomplished it all. But there was no way I could keep going down the same road forever. In the end, I've long since gotten over my past, i've created a new life that i've lived out to the maximum, and I was running out of places to travel to that were accessible. The Fall semester was coming very soon as well as my 21st birthday and everything was pointing in the right direction to end this period of travel. The best day of last year was on August 10th, 2022. I had just hung out with a group of friends all day, the weather was perfect, my job offered me free food, and I made a couple new friends that same day. Albany felt just like home by this day. This was the day. August 10 would be Day 0 of Hospice. No more travel, no more
need for self improvement, and a focus on new priorities.

I was never really good at endings; I'm the kind of person to really leave things unfinished and forget about it after a while. And after climbing 106 stories, riding a helicopter, getting lost over 100 miles away from home, standing in a rainbow, and more, it was going to be a challenge to find something to top it off. But I knew by August 10th, I would have something done for that day. At the start of August, I was reminiscing on the year so far and the overall concept of hospice. Then I stumbled upon the same creator that made the Hospice video that I saw back in Prognosis period. This same creator had another video focused on the many ways that people say
goodbye when someone is at the final stages of life. After what felt like days of scrolling, one method really stuck with me. In some areas of Mexico, it is common for a ritual to occur upon a critical diagnosis. This ritual consists of surrounding the person in a ring of fire, using any photographs with them in it as fuel to keep the fire running. This encourages people to live in the moment and stress the idea that regardless of death, the person will always live in their loved one's hearts. This ritual was very familiar because I have witnessed it before. One of my grandmother's close relatives had undergone this ritual in her actual hospice. While she has since passed, the connection compelled me to end this all under the same ritual. Yet I wasn't fully certain. Around this time, I was also a bit depressed over a real hospice of one of my patients. I didn't feel the motivation to come up with something big because of it as it's been making me appreciate everything around me far more. That same weekend, I had planned to compete in a tournament in Peekskill, NY. It was a long train ride, so there was plenty of time to think about Day 0. I got to Peekskill early and had a bit of time to explore the town. The waterside was one of the most compelling sights I've ever seen. I could only walk along until I came across this tiny plaza of 2 landmarks. The first was a memorial for firefighters and first responders of 9/11. It reminded me when I found the Bell of Hope back in Remission. The second made me stop dead in my tracks. All this time thinking about Day 0 and before me stood the piece of art named Beyond. This landmark was created to offer a new perspective on the world, leaving a view inside of it to pierce into Bear Mountain State Park.
But what made me pause was the resemblance.

Beyond looked exactly like a 0.

This coincidence made me stop and really take in the improbable one-in-a-million odd that I found myself in, which is what the plate describing the landmark wanted. "This sculpture frames nature and invites the viewer to pause for a while and contemplate what lies beyond."
And that's what I did. Forgetting about the tournament I signed up for, the doubts of how to live out Day 0, and the amount of life happening went away. I just stopped, looked out into the foggy sky, and took in the scenery. Once I took in the moment for as long as I wanted, I made it to the venue on the dot. While I didn't win that day, the walk back home made me feel like a winner. On the train ride back, I took a window seat to see Beyond one last time and take in the moment, for I knew that when the train drove off the moment itself had already ended. That idea stuck with me. I never really knew when something ended until seeing Beyond. But when did I know when anything would ever end beforehand? From all the phases of Hospice up until now, I never knew when something would end until it happened. My old life had a time limit I wasn't aware of and even the one that I'm living now does as well. The biggest realization of all that everything around me will someday end, but that I am ok with that.

I accepted ending Hospice myself with the fire ritual on Day 0. On the days leading up to Day 0, photos of the year from Prognosis to Turbulence were printed. It was a great run down memory lane seeing myself go from one of my worst, unhealthiest states to being in a prime, rigid stance. After doing some safety testing the day before, I was ready to start the ritual on midnight of August 10. Midnight came, I lit a match and set a hospice's worth of memories in flames, and set a trail of alcohol around me on fire. And so ended a phase of life with a name i’ll never forget. H0spice. Because in the end, I will always be a H0spice patient. Day 0 can be upon me any day but I will always be ready for it no matter what. Just like a true hospice patient.

That's the end - H0spice is over.

As much as I didn't want it to end, I felt better being the one to end it all than to have it end before me.
Once the flames died out, I was in a surreal state of mind. It's all over. I did everything I wanted to do.

How I wish things could never end. I don't think I'll ever be strong enough to want to know when it's all over.

Now that the end has come, I only had one question left to answer.

What happens now?