Day 103

What happens when your beliefs contradict with reality?

What I thought I wanted became the thing I'm grateful I didn't keep. And being wrong saved me a lot of disappointment.

As coping with the loss of Albany became easier and easier, I was starting to significantly be ok with the idea that I would never step foot in the city ever again. Ironically, as my semester came to an end, I realized that my lease was set to finish at around the end of May and I would be getting charged if I did not leave my keys in the apartment. Alternatively, I could not mail my keys. So I didn't have many options simpler than go back to the environment that I've been trying immensely hard to get over one last time. But if I were to go one last time, I was going to do everything I never got to do before I left.

A couple reservations and a train ticket later, I had an entire weekend of events planned in Albany. I had a day planned for myself and a day planned with friends on the next. Two hours after a train ride, I expected to feel overwhelmed with the feeling of how things were before 2023. But on the way to my old apartment, everything felt like a carbon copy. The streets I used to cross almost everyday felt like black and white versions; still the same color but without the memory. I didn't want to be there any longer and simply left the city of Albany to travel elsewhere for the day. The Erie Canal was something i'd wanted to see, then walking to Starbuck Island and then head home.

After taking a bus to Waterford, NY, I was ready to walk a bit to the Erie Canal and sightsee the way I have in NYC. What I was not ready was the vibe that Waterford would strike me with. As soon as I looked around, I felt as though I was trespassing on government property. After 5 minutes of walking, all I found was roads with no sidewalks, 0 pedestrians, and the most eerie vibe I've ever felt. Eventually, I found Erie Canal. My expectations were to be blow away by the visuals, the scenery, a breath of fresh air. The reality was a bland, dull lake on a cloudy day. Nothing special. I was disappointed, not devastated, not annoyed, just disappointed. I just took a rest, pondering at the boring lake I traveled over 100 miles to see and made my way to Starbuck Island.

I probably walked about a mile into more abandoned, eerie roads. It seemed so off putting to not see a human in eyesight 2 hours in Waterford. It was a bit relieving to not have anyone around, but it wasn't until I reached this long bridge to Starbuck Island that I would soon realize I wasn't alone. I got insanely aware reaching the middle of the bridge and noticed a guy seemingly smoking on the edge of the island behind some bushes but I didn't think too much of it. And as I kept my slow pace trying hard to not make eye contact, I heard bushes rumbling in my direction behind me. My easy stroll turned into the a hurried shuffle while trying to not appear that I was running away. Even if I wanted to, I probably couldn't get that far - I broke my femur a while back and the residual mobility issues would probably get me to faceplant instead of escaping a potential attacker. I still had around 4 miles to walk until I reached SI and the only people that felt within that radius were me and the stranger following me a couple feet behind.

After the fastest walk of my life with a disability, I came across this path that lead to an unpaved area. Immediately, I noticed a steel beam to my left that crossed into a large stone above a small body of water. But it wouldn't help me in escaping the person following me. Balancing on a beam would cause me to come to a complete stop, the other side of the beam would lead away from my destination, and it probably wouldn't help that if I lost my balance, i'd drown since I didn't know how to swim. Regardless, I jumped for the first time I had in years onto the beam and turned behind me ready to spot the pursuer.

The entire time, no one was there.

And immediately, I felt like the world was upside down. I didn't have any idea where I was. But the placebo of being pursued killed my desire to come back and made me realize that the things I want may not be what I need. After another couple miles, I reached Starbuck Island and had a good dinner. The place was very relaxing, especially a neon sign that read "Follow the river and you will find the sea." I took an Uber to my home and checked the locks on my doors 7 times before going to bed that night. Thankfully, I was alone that night. The next day was pretty average getting back together with friends, picking up a jersey for UAlbany eSports and leaving my keys behind. Ever since I got here it all felt off. I felt like I was somewhere else, but the place where I was so happy lost its charm. I couldn't sleep in this apartment anymore, so I spent the night with another student at my University. After a couple conversation topics,
I realized Albany changed a lot since I left. Safety was at an all time low, most of my friends ended up withdrawing in college or dropping out altogether, and the in-person classes for my degree were not faring better than what I was taking online. Fortunately, after a couple music sessions and me obsessing over the cool room he had, I felt way better. The conversation was solid too, on par with the way my former best friend and I used to talk. But also with new things to bond over that you can't do with other people. The next morning, I got a ride to the train station, nearly missing the train by 1 minute. And in that short minute, I played the weekend back in my head. As the train rode back and I got one last look at the city, I was pretty grateful to not be living in this "New Albany" anymore. My desperation to go back died that day. Definitely no way I'm going back to Waterford either. Kind of sad, but it doesn't run my mind anymore.